spirituality Archives - Page 2 of 5

What Matters in a Broken World?

May 20, 2022 | Hope & Encouragement, Women's Voice & Power, Women's Wisdom

I’ve been sitting with a particular question lately that haunts me, in many ways:

How are we to make sense of our lives, let alone our efforts at growth, change, maturity, acceptance, work, relationships, spirituality, any and all of it, when our world feels like its going to hell in a handbasket?

*sigh*

What follows is definitely not a be-all-end-all “fix” to this dilemma, or even an answer to the question itself, but it does reflect the process I’ve walked myself through over and over and over again…

Name what’s true.

The tendency and seduction is strong to tie the value of our work, our very being, to some kind of measurable, seen-and-felt impact. Said in reverse, the tendency and seduction is strong to devalue our work, our very being, in the face of this messy, broken world.

Also true: all of this is overwhelming — and hard. We don’t know where to look, where to turn, what to believe, what to do. Any focus on our own reality somehow feels selfish and small — privileged and entitled.

Go small anyway.

Just for now, not forever. For the sake of this practice, hold a situation in mind and heart that feels futile — with little-to-no hope for change. Something close to home. Your very personal experience. Past or present.

A job in which you are miserable.
A marriage you don’t believe can get better and you can’t see how you could ever leave.
Regret over a relationship that ended or was irreparably broken with no way to heal or fix it.
Financial stress and hardship.
Fill in the blank.

In my experience (with every one of the examples above), it is very easy for me to throw my hands up, to give up, to let my shoulders slump as I take a ragged breath, to resign myself to what “is.” I feel small in comparison to the “largeness” of the situation.

Acknowledge default behavior.

When things feel futile and hopeless, my frequent default is to believe I have no control. I’m completely stuck and immobilized. Which makes online shopping or another glass of wine or NOT writing and/or watching Netflix feel like not only the best choice, but the only one. When I feel like I have no control, I exert even less of it.

Name what’s true again.

I DO actually have control. No matter how big, how dark, how hard the reality, I am never stopped from looking closer at myself. There is ALWAYS more for me to learn, to see, to acknowledge, and to name.

Go within and look closer.

The miserable job: I can pay attention to where I am compromising myself, complying, people-pleasing, and not telling my truth. And I can choose to do things differently.
The marriage: I can be honest about my participation in the dynamics that exist in the first place — not in blame, but with honesty, clarity, and awareness. And I can choose to change those dynamics.
Regret over a relationship: I can look back at my own behavior and better understand who I was when I made the choices I did — and why. I may not be able to mend the fences or bring the person back, but I can offer myself understanding, forgiveness, and grace.
In financial stress: I can look at and understand my money story — where it came from and what it inflicts. I may not be able to miraculously pay off college loans, a mortgage, or sometimes even cover monthly expenses without struggle, but I can change my beliefs about what this means (and doesn’t) and how much of my identity I’m willing to have hooked to money’s power.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~ Viktor E. Frankl

Now, widen the lens.

When we see (and employ) the ways in which change is possible in our own story, our own struggles, our own life, we can then begin to imagine (and hope for) ways in which it is possible on a much larger scale. We are not immobilized. We are not absented from all control. There is ALWAYS opportunity for change — no matter how dark the day, how dire the circumstances, how brutal the story.

** An important caveat: There are, to be sure, many situations in which people do not have the privilege, agency, or choice of which I speak. I do not mean to be remotely trite or in any way communicate that doing “some personal work” will afford the kind of healing and transformation deserved by those who are victims of violence, war, and so many other horrendous and unjust realities. Which is why our change matters all the more! **

Name what’s true. Again.

Our personal work, our self-reflection, our ongoing commitment to growth and transformation IS what makes any and all the difference in the larger world.

Do the math.

Imagine what would happen, what would change, if even a small percentage of us actually took our personal growth seriously, if we put effective boundaries in place, if we said “no,” when we meant it, if we never said “yes” when we didn’t mean it, if we were 100% ourselves 100% of the time, if we learned to extend ourselves grace, if we silenced our caustic and critical self-talk, if we trusted our own wisdom, if we lived in alignment with our deepest beliefs, values, and hopes.

Multiply that.
Multiply it again.
And again.

“One person of integrity can make a difference.” ~ Elie Weisel

Personal work, personal growth, looking within, focusing on self…it matters. Even, and maybe especially, when the world seems to be falling apart. We DO have agency, control, and influence. And that changes relationships, workplaces, families, social media’s influence (maybe even for good), legal systems, social structures, cultural expectations, politics, policy, national interests, global concerns, world peace.

Too big of a leap? It’s the ONLY leap to make, from where I sit.

Individual lives, singular stories, the smallest of choices, change everything!

When we see and believe how single stories have wielded enough power to create this world, then re-visioning stories, telling new ones, healing the old ones, and living redeemed ones has the same power — and exponentially more.

The person across the street. The Russian military member who lays down their weapons and refuses to fight. The woman in front of you in the checkout line. The Ukrainian mother who is doing everything in her power to keep her children alive. The barista who is steaming milk for your latte. The senator who introduced the “Don’t Say Gay” bill in Florida. My daughters. Vladimir Putin. Your mother. Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson. Best friends. Me. You. We all live individuals stories that are changing the world.

“Stories can break the dignity of a people. But stories can also repair that broken dignity.” ~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

So yes, I’ve answered my own existential question — at least for the time being: my writing about all of this matters. My work matters. But within and underneath it is something that matters far, far more: YOU! Your work matters. Your self-care matters. Your personal growth matters. Your relationships matter. Your story matters. Even now. Especially now. Because one single story can — and does — change the world.

May it be so.

*****

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About welcoming exhaustion…

Mar 25, 2022 | My sort-of Sermons, Women's Wisdom

It may sound strange, but for me, exhaustion is welcome.

Years ago I had a job with a 90-minute commute each way. Getting there was never the issue; it was the return trip. I knew that when I finally pulled up in front of the house, two little girls would be waiting for me. They wanted my full attention; they wanted all of me. There was dinner to fix and dishes to wash and laundry to do and stories to read. On top of it all, my husband unintentionally expected me to read his mood, respond appropriately, and meet every need. (I’m tired just remembering this!)

Anyway — the closer I got to home, the more weary I felt — the exact opposite of what I wanted and needed. I began to realize that with every passing mile, I became less myself and more the person I needed to be for him. Bottom line: there was a huge-and-growing gap between who I really was and who he wanted me to be; and to be clear, I allowed, perpetuated, even reinforced this for a very long time. That was the exhaustion! Not the drive or the girls or the dinner-prep. I expended a massive amount of energy being someone I was not so that I didn’t have to deal with my fear of what would happen if I was fully myself.

My exhaustion became a form of discernment. It drew me toward what deserved my attention, truth-telling, and courage. When we eventually divorced, it was hard, but NOT exhausting. And that was data in and of itself!

Now, whenever I hear myself say, “I’m exhausted” or more likely, “I’m weary” I whisper a prayer of gratitude. It’s a gracious and generous alert to acknowledge what deserves my naming and care.

A vast percentage of what makes us exhausted is feeling like we shouldn’t feel exhausted. Our efforts become fixated on not feeling the way we do, instead of allowing, even welcoming, all that we feel and discovering what longs to be strengthened, healed, let go, and more.

For reflection:

Identify and then let go of internalized beliefs and external messages that tell you exhaustion isn’t allowed (or worse, that it somehow means you’re lazy).
Take a deep breath and tell yourself the truth about exactly how you feel? Write it down. Journal it out. Click your heels together three times and say it out loud, “I feel _______.”
How might exhaustion be your check-engine light? What is it indicating? What relief might be yours if you could name and address such?

When you allow your exhaustion — even welcome it — it makes room for something “more” to be seen, felt, and honored. Chances are high that whatever that is, it won’t be exhausting at all; rather, honest, redemptive, and empowering.

*****

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What if your spirituality was easy?

Jan 28, 2022 | Hope & Encouragement, Spirituality

I would not use the word “easy” or “ease” to describe my experience of being a spiritual person (at least in the first 4 decades of my life).

The opposite would be more accurate: my spirituality and faith were strengthened not by ease, but through testing, struggle, complexity, and hardship. *sigh*

Or so I was told and taught.

I didn’t choose this way of understanding things. It was inherent and assumed. It was what I believed. I didn’t know — or know to know — anything other. And I complied!

There were long seasons of my life in which I had a perpetual list of spiritual to-do’s in order to prove myself worthy and faithful; to feel or be spiritual at all. I worked at it. I strived toward it. And I felt an inordinate amount of shame when my efforts didn’t transform me or my life.

Despite the fact that I’ve left organized religion, studied and rejected predominant theologies, and deconstructed / reconstructed a completely different way of believing and being, I still long for the sacred, for the spiritual, for its consistency and constancy.

In conversation with clients, I see the sacred everywhere: in a word used more than once, in a sentence spoken, in a breath taken, in a memory, in a hope expressed or desire stated, in a thought articulated, in a glimpse…I feel a bit like a sleuth or a detective. Watching for the glimmers. Seeing the clues. Revealing what almost always resides between the lines. And naming every bit of it as the presence of the sacred on their behalf. Right there. All the time. In plain sight. Easy.

Amazingly, nothing was required of them for the sacred to show up. No rigor or discipline. No pursuit of perfection. No need for forgiveness or atonement. The sacred was — and is — right there, all the time, in plain sight. Easy.

Ironically, despite what I spot and celebrate on behalf of others, I still struggle to find it for myself. And…that’s the problem in and of itself: I’m looking for it. I’m struggling. I’m making it hard. When, in fact, it is not — and never was.

There is another question that lingers underneath this one about “ease” that is far more primary and significant: Does the sacred and spirituality actually matter?

I have my own thoughts, to be sure. Thankfully, others have considered the same.

The original, shimmering self gets buried so deep that most of us end up hardly living out of it at all. Instead we live out all the other selves, which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the world’s weather.~ Frederick Buechner

So, the spiritual and sacred is me NOT putting on or taking off my other selves. It is 100% myself, 100% of the time, and constantly shimmering! Not with effort, hard work, discipline, or the slightest hint of shame. Instead, with ease. Yes, this matters.

You create a path of your own by looking within yourself and listening to your soul, cultivating your own ways of experiencing the sacred and then practicing it. Practicing until you make it a song that sings you. ~ Sue Monk Kidd

“…a song that sings you;” a song that sings me. Yes, that’s it — perfectly. And once heard, then practiced. Not from a place of demand, but desire. Yes, this matters.

Your sacred space is where you can find yourself over and over again.~ Joseph Campbell

Exactly. Not a self that I have to contrive or control, push myself toward, aspire to. Just me. Easy. Completely at home. (I’m taking deep breaths at the thought of this one.) Yes, this matters.

So, can spirituality be easy? My answer and lived-experience is that if it is not, then it’s not a spirituality I need or want.

Does it matter? My answer and lived-experience is “yes.” And why? Well, because at the end of the day, it’s what I want.

I do want a spirituality, a lived-experience of the sacred — but only when it’s defined by ease. Not because I’m lazy or unwilling to do the work, but because it must be something that doesn’t require my efforting or discipline or struggle. It can’t require me at all, actually. It is bigger than me, something that holds and encircles me, a story that’s larger than my own, an unshakeable awareness and belief that I am not alone. And so much more. It doesn’t need my belief, my diligence, even my commitment to be enduring, true, and worthwhile. Right there. All the time. In plain sight. Easy.

May it be so, yes?

I hope the same for you.

I hope that you will let go of all the shoulds and musts and dogma and to-do’s. I hope that you will be surprised by the sacred — in a breath, in a thought, in a glimpse, in a real or imagined conversation, in questions-without-answers, and most of all, in you being fully you. I hope that you will find what you’ve wanted all along. Right there. All the time. In plain sight. Easy.

Indeed, may it be so.

*****

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A DSM-V Code

Mar 29, 2021 | My sort-of Sermons, Spirituality

Did you know that there is a DSM-V code for religious or spiritual problems?

Yep: V-Code 62.89.

Apparently it is often helpful to put a code in a patient’s clinical documentation when there is no evidence of a mental disorder, but they are presenting with significant clinical distress.*

So basically this means that there have been enough people who have exhibited, talked about, named, and acknowledged religious/spiritual struggle, even harm, that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders sees it as worth mentioning.

It is worth mentioning. And then some.

I have heard more stories than I can count about the ways in which a person’s religious upbringing has profoundly impacted who they’ve become (and not for the better). Better stated, the ways in which it has, too many times, kept them from becoming all of who they desire; instead, small, silent, and shamed.

It’s heartbreaking. Shouldn’t religion and spirituality be the very things that invite us to healing and wholeness, to freedom and empowerment, to hope and joy? Uh, yes.

What may have once been an ideology or system of beliefs that did, indeed, long to offer us the best of all things, they too-often fall prey to our strong predilection (and history) of f***ing things up. We have this nasty habit of turning something sacred and beautiful into a system, complete with rules and rigidity, exclusivity and shame. Well, maybe not “we.” The patriarchy.

Right. No wonder the DSM code.

I’m currently watching Medici on Netflix. There are three seasons, spanning the 14th through 16th centuries, chronicling this family of tremendous power. What intrigues me to no end is the intertwining of religion into everything – warm, wealth, corruption. It is so clear, so obvious, and seen/justified over and over again as “God’s will.”

The concept is not new to me. When I was in Seminary I studied the history of Christianity. Even now I am somewhat chagrined to acknowledge just how much I didn’t know and how shocking that history is! Politics, most of it, sadly.

The impact and influence of religion and spirituality – in painful and damaging ways – goes back to the beginning. It’s never not been there.** Which makes it understandable why still today, in our own stories, we bear the brunt of that pain; why we see its now-coding in our clinical files and its encoding in our very psyche.

I have my own stories, to be sure. None that have been categorized (at least that I know of) with V-Code 62.89. Still, I know how hard it was for me to separate from and deconstruct the religion I grew up with; to have the courage to ask the kinds of questions that dismantled my beliefs; to examine and jettison deeply held doctrines. It has only been within the past few years that I’ve been able to circle back, look again, wonder anew, and maybe, just maybe reclaim the best aspects of what got thrown out with the bathwater.

These days I feel healed and whole, free and empowered, full of both hope and joy. My understanding of the divine, my own devotional practices, my own language, beliefs, and experiences of the sacred are exactly that: my own.

It’s been a long journey. One that continues, to be sure.

In the midst of my own, I wonder (and care) about you: your religious or spiritual struggles, the places and ways in which you’ve known harm, the impact that still has on how you see yourself, how you experience your world, how (or if) you engage with the sacred that is part-and-parcel in our everyday lives. If the DSM code applies to any of this, I am so deeply sorry. These are stories you’ll carry with you for a lifetime, to be sure; every one of them deserves infinite compassion and care. You do.

John O’Donohue said:

“Die Wunden des Geistes heilen, ohne dass Narben bleiben”…”The wounds of the spirit heal and leave no scars.”

Oh, how I hope he is right about this. For you. For me. For so many – past, present, and future.

He also said this:

As your tears fall over that wounded place,
May they wash away your hurt and free your heart.
May your forgiveness still the hunger of the wound

So that for the first time you can walk away from that place,
Reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed,
And feel the clear, free air bless your new face.”

May it be so.

*https://www.psychdb.com/teaching/dsm-v-icd-z-codes

** This is not to say that the only impact and influence of religion and spirituality has been pain, damage, and corruption. I understand, know, and have experienced far more. I am aware of and grateful that beauty and truth survive in spite of it all. But to only name the good is to cause more harm.

Believing the Voice Within You

Jan 7, 2019 | Spirituality, Women's Voice & Power, Women's Wisdom

A voice dwells within you that can be trusted, that longs to be listened to, that consistently speaks truth.

I promise.

Other voices dwell within, as well. They have strong opinions, speak irritatingly louder, and often trick you by sounding far more sane. “It’s dangerous!” “You’re dangerous!” “It’s way too risky.” “Think about the consequences!” “You’ll never be understood.” “You’ll be completely alone.” “Are you completely insane?”

They’re hard to ignore, no doubt about it. But when you listen closely you’ll hear that they actually sound plain-old boring and pretty damn tired. After all, they’ve been droning on and on for a very long time. And really, anymore, they’re not all that convincing. So give them a retirement party. Send them packing. Wave goodbye.

Then choose to believe the voice that knows what it’s talking about. Choose to believe you.

You can be trusted. You already know. You are beautiful and wise and amazing. You are that Sacred.

I promise.

How do I know? How can I promise? Well, because at least at this moment, I’m practicing what I preach. I’m believing the voice within me! The one that speaks deep truth. The one that knows-that-it-knows-that-it-knows.

Yes. That one.

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