One morning last week, stuck between way too early to do much of anything and an irritating restlessness, I scrolled through unread Substack posts. One of them was part of an occasional series from Cheryl Strayed in which “she invites an author to tell us five things . . . “ I started wondering what my responses would be (which follow). And I most-definitely started wondering what yours would be (which I’m encouraging).
Thing #1: Tell us about a time when you took advice that turned out to be really good or really bad.
Almost thirty years ago now, when my daughters were only 1 and 3—my then-husband had just stepped into a pastorate that came with the unspoken (but quickly enforced) expectation that the pastor’s wife would teach a Bible study for the women of the church. I didn’t want to. At all. But at the time, I couldn’t see a way out or consider the possibility of just saying “no, thank you.” After unsuccessfully scouring the closest Christian bookstore for anything that was even remotely relevant, I found myself at a total loss. So I reached out to a woman I deeply respected and asked her what she’d recommend. Though I’m sure I’ve changed the wording over the years, this is what I remember her saying: “Why do you persist in turning to other experts, authors, and endless external sources when all you need is right in front of you? Go to the source (which for her meant the Bible), decide what you think, and then offer that.” I am 100% certain she never intended—and would probably be shocked by—the outcomes her words have garnered over the years. I did teach the Bible study, reluctantly, and with no resources but my questions and doubts, my wonderings and suppositions, my imagination and hope. And oddly, it was that very experience that led me to Seminary and my M.Div. degree, along with exposure to feminist theology and my earliest attempts at (re)writing women’s sacred stories. Now when I am asked about how I ever thought to write my book, I think back to that relatively innocent conversation. This is not what she said or even meant, but it’s the advice I’ve taken to heart ever since: “Trust what YOU think, what YOU feel, what YOU believe, what YOU know. It’s enough. You are.”
Thing #2: Tell us about a regret you have or a mistake you’ve made.
Like many women, I learned early on that my biggest responsibility was to make sure the people around me were comfortable—not at all uncomfortable with or because of me. As a child and teen, that meant excelling in school, being as close to ‘perfect’ as possible, and not disappointing anyone, ever. By the time I got married at the age of thirty, it didn’t look all that different. I kept everything in order—myself, my home, my daughters. I attempted to at least seem perfect, given that I was the pastor’s wife, after all. And I swallowed almost every one of my honest opinions, thoughts, and emotions in order to not upset the apple cart (or my husband) in any way. Though all of these things make me cringe, it’s this last one that is my biggest regret. Over time, the gap widened between what I said and did compared to what I heard and felt within. Two completely different dialogues were taking place, two completely different lives were being lived, even: inside and outside, real and pretend, broken and keeping it all together. My regret? My mistake? I wish I’d been willing to acknowledge the gap sooner, to close it no matter the cost, to be 100% myself instead of being convinced I was too much. Eventually I was able to do exactly these things. And along the way, I’ve recognized that any thought of “too much” is a lie-from-the-pit-of-hell. But oh, the years and years and years spent being so much less, holding so much back, keeping myself constrained and contorted. Yes, lessons learned. Yes, amazing growth. Yes, huge change. And undoubtedly making up for lost time in all that I “preach” these days. Still, when I look back, I grieve the young girl and the young-ish woman who didn’t know that her truest self was worth honoring, proclaiming, and trusting.
Thing #3: Tell us about a personal transformation in your life or a change that you’ve made for the better.
I could simply reverse-engineer the story above, I suppose, but something else comes to mind that I’ve been talking and writing about lately: allowing myself time and space and quiet, not always needing to stay busy, choosing to do little-to-nothing instead of always demanding more and more and more of myself. Maybe it’s that I’m now in my early 60s. Maybe it’s that both of my daughters are grown and gone, living lives of their own and on their own. Maybe it’s that I’ve moved across the country and now live in the embrace and care of my sister and her family. Maybe it’s that my book is finally done. Most probably, it’s a combination of all these things and then some. But it’s more than circumstantial; it’s intentional and within. I want to move slower. I want to feel both the expansiveness and the anxiousness of available time. I want to let go of the internal and external pressure to hustle, to create, to build, to achieve, to buy. I’m hardly successful at this. Old habits die hard, to be sure. But it does feel transformational and way better to, bit-by-bit, let go of both real and imagined demands; to not fill up every single second with something seemingly important that probably isn’t, not really; to rest and allow and “be.”
Thing #4: Tell us about your new book.
Ahhhh, my book. Rewriting Eve: Rescuing Women’s Stories from the Bible and Reclaiming Them as Our Own. It will be published one month from today (!!!!) which seems miraculous, given the nearly 20 years I’ve been working on it! In so many ways, it is the fulfillment of the three responses above: an expression of trusting my own thoughts and very self; closing the gap between 100% authenticity and cultural, religious, family, and even self-expectations (and longing for the same in everyone who reads it); letting go of every story that doesn’t serve and choosing instead, a story that is fully our own. I’ve rewritten ten ancient, sacred stories of women. Trapped in patriarchy and theological argument, dismissed as irrelevant, or viewed as unchangeable even as times change, these women’s voices, desires, and hearts have too often been silenced through misunderstanding and neglect. As result, we are as well. But when they are reimagined, deconstructed, disentangled from doctrine and dogma, and heard on their own terms, these stories become powerful inspiration and a source of discernment that reconnects us to a feminine lineage and a sovereign sense of self we’ve never known to call on or trust. Rewriting Eve reveals the powerful ways in which these women and their stories still speak; all they long to say; all that you deserve to hear and know and trust on behalf of your story.
Thing #5: Tell us your best advice.
Slightly repetitive, but no less passion-filled or heartfelt: be 100% yourself, 100% of the time. Can this be risky or costly? Definitely. Are there consequences? To be sure. But being less than who you fully are is even riskier and more costly; those consequences too numerous to count. You deserve to be all of who you are, no holding back, no playing it safe, no attempting to keep others safe (which is really their issue, not yours), no compromise or compliance, all you . . . always! (I’m right about this!)
*****
This 5-things process—which I think is better called a practice—has been well worth my effort and energy. To pull back and reflect on exactly how, why, and in what ways I’ve changed and grown over the years, to consider the wisdom that has mattered the most along the way (for good and/or for ill), and to think about any/all of this as though Cheryl Strayed were asking, has been significant. It’s not that my responses have surprised me; rather, taking the time to consider them, write them out, edit them down, and be 100% certain they are 100% true, has felt amazingly grounding and definitive and strong. I think, at least in part, it goes back to what I said above: we are so convinced that we have to do more to arrive or be good enough or feel like we are enough. But when we stop and reflect, when we pay attention to our own stories and that know-that-we-know-that-we-know voice within, just the opposite becomes clear: we already are enough and always have been. Sometimes that awareness gets buried under other stories, disappointments, grief, others’ expectations of us, and just life itself . . . which is why it’s worth looking closer, digging deeper, and believing that Cheryl Strayed can hardly wait to add you to her occasional series!
So, your turn! Tell yourself five things (with a few more besides):
- Tell about a time when you took advice that turned out to be really good or really bad.
- How did that advice shape you?
- In what ways have you either developed it or deviated from it? Why?
- What advice do you wish you’d been given?
- Tell about a regret you have or a mistake you’ve made.
- In what ways has this very regret or mistake shaped the way in which your life has gone, the choices you’ve made instead, the changes it either forced or invited?
- With that perspective, is it a regret or a mistake?
- Tell about a personal transformation in your life or a change that you’ve made for the better.
- What are the changes you yet want to make? What holds you back? Why? What if you stepped into and toward them anyway?
- Tell about your new book.
- Some options here: tell about the book you intend to write, secretly long to write, or wish someone else would pen on your behalf.
- Tell your best advice.
- How is this different from what you might have said 10, 20, 30, or more years ago?
- What advice do you hope you are offering in another 10, 20, 30, or more years?
One last thing: Your every response is worthy of being articulated, whether Cheryl Strayed hears it, or not. Here’s why: every experience you’ve been through, every bit of the perspective you’ve gained along the way (especially the hard way), every transformation or change you’ve made, every word you’ve spoken and/or written, is what creates and shapes the advice and powerful wisdom that is yours alone to give; ours to witness and benefit from. (I’m right about this!)
As named above, my book will be published one month from today! I can hardly believe it and am beyond-thrilled! There’s still time to preorder (which matters so much for first-time authors). Thank you!!