As much as I may attempt to be present, aware, and alive to every moment of every day, I don’t succeed. Hindsight serves. Worry preoccupies. And in between are the middle spaces.
Somewhere between past and future, between being present and dissociating, between gratitude and worry. These are the places I know.
Hardly thin, they are thick – sometimes in burdened, weighty ways and sometimes in rich, beautiful ones.
The middle spaces are familiar. Like ambivalence, they are home.
- The middle spaces are where I read between the lines in conversation, taking in a larger context than what is being spoken. I hear one thing, but understand another.
- The middle spaces find me vacillating between speaking my mind and employing tact, balancing discernment with full disclosure.
- The middle spaces are where I live as a mother to daughters. It is where they live, as well – between mom’s house and dad’s, between parental expectations and peer pressures, between adolescence and adulthood.
- The middle spaces exist between paychecks; between gratitude for income and anxiety over its lack.
- The middle spaces populate days in which I’m not out working outside my home and spend my time wandering through emails, Facebook, Twitter, all-the-while hearing writing’s beckoning; places between desire and praxis, between confidence and fear.
- The middle spaces exist between my past understanding and experience of God and one yet unknown, still explored, undefined; between what was “known,” solid and sure and now, a more predominant sense that nothing is known, solid, or sure.
- The middle spaces are filled with the frenetic volume of activity in my brain; thoughts that inspire and frustrate, compel and critique, stagger and stall.
- The middle spaces are the deep and too-often-unspoken places in my heart that hold unexplainable, sometimes unexpressable love for my daughters; an expanse between emotion and action, between intention and manifestation.
- The middle spaces are memories I traverse from relationships-past as I navigate the tranquil waters of relationship-present; lessons learned swirling amongst hopes held.
The middle spaces occupy most of me. I most-often occupy them. They are ordinary time, day-to-day life, the warp and woof of my head and heart. Not thin; thick. Not fully present; no less profound.