Tonight I did something that feels incredibly risky. I invested in something that WILL help me strengthen my business; that WILL increase my reach, my impact, my voice (See the caps? that’s me…speaking in the positive, affirming my choice, talking myself down from the ledge). But oh, the fear! The panic! The anxiety!

It’s hard to be in this in-between place: between the work of embodying and actually living into what I hope/long for while simultaneously maintaining a level of security that allows me to feel “safe” in risk. Big problem, right? There is no safety in risk. That’s what makes it a risk!

Live every moment in the present. Do it. Risk it. Buy it if you love it. Loving well takes practice, delicious practice. If it feels good, it must be good.

(Gael Greene)

OK. Here’s me: facing the truth. Doing what’s hard for me. Doing what (sort of) feels good. Spending money! Investing in myself. And what’s more, exacerbating the risk by sticking to my guns in regards to what I posted yesterday and using a scriptural narrative to make my point. Aaaaugh! RISK everywhere!

Here’s the story that comes to mind. It’s found in the Hebrew scriptures (1 Samuel 25). It’s about Abigail – a woman who risked her very life (and thousands of others’) to tell the truth.

The scene: she’s in a bad marriage with a husband whose very name means “fool.”Because of such, not surprisingly, he makes bad decisions, doesn’t want to acknowledge that King David  is on his land, subsequently pisses off said king, and risks the very destruction of the entire family/village/clan. Abigail sees what’s happening, totally forgoes protocol, and risks her very life by speaking directly to the king. In preparation, she (wisely/shrewdly) fixes a ton of amazing food and heads out to the soon-to-be battlefield in the hopes that she can call on the king’s compassion.The king, not surprisingly, is impressed with her courage (as well as her beauty and culinary skills) and spares the slaying of thousands of innocent people.

Just your everyday story, right?

But that’s not its end. Abigail decides to risk even more and tell her husband the truth about what she’s done. (I know, right? She could have just left well enough alone.) In his rage and shame the text tells us that “his heart failed him and he became like a stone.” And 10 days later? “…the Lord struck Nabal and he died.” Hers was not a calculated risk. It was all-out, beyond belief, and a ride-the-rollercoaster-without-a-seatbelt risk!

OK. I don’t expect my risk will cause anyone to be struck dead, but I do know that my own fear sometimes paralyzes me in very similar ways! I can get totally stuck; totally stone-like in my ability to move forward.

Not Abigail. She encourages me. She makes a beautiful, risky, and courageous choice. She doesn’t let fear control her. She knows there is no safety in risk (which, as earlier established, is why it’s called risk). She steps up, does what has to be done, and is amazing in the midst.  She reminds me that I’m not alone.

That makes all the difference.

Step up. Do what needs to be done. Be amazing in the midst.

And when you do? When I do? Totally not alone!

Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.

(Katherine Mansfield)